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Permanent Weight Loss: My Story
How I achieved permanent weight loss and recovered from binge
eating
disorder
How I recovered from binge eating disorder, emotional overeating,
bulimia, and fibromyalgia,
CFS.
Get over your self (ego) and you will receive the World.
My mom got pregnant with my older sister in high school. My parents
married as teenagers. They were 17 years old. I also have a younger
sister and brother. I was a very quiet kid: a daydreamer who loved
books, dancing, and making art. I had trouble fitting in with other
kids. In the second grade I was found to be gifted.
My home life was chaotic. My father had an explosive temper. I was
terrified of him. We all walked on eggshells around him waiting for the
next outburst. My mother was a highly critical perfectionist. It seemed
her main concern was that everything had to be clean and perfect
looking.
They were too young to be parents: a case of kids raising kids.
I suffered from terrible anxiety as far back as I can remember. When I
had to transition from kindergarten to the first grade I pulled out all
my eyelashes. I would also pick at my skin till it oozed. I was filled
with performance anxiety. I was terrified that I couldn’t handle the
work that was expected of me.
I was painfully shy, skinny, and wore glasses. The kids at school were
really cruel to me. I’ll never forget their taunts. They called me “the
4-eyed toothpick.” Bullies were always picking on me. When the teacher
would call on me for an answer I would always reply, “I can’t.” I knew
the answer but I was too shy and afraid to speak up in class.
One day I came to class to find my desk filled with notes from every
child in the class that read, “ We hate you. We want you out of here.”
I found myself in the second grade, alone, afraid and nowhere to turn.
I was given A’s for grades and F’s in effort. “I can’t” was quickly
becoming my life
mantra. School had been a refuge for me. I now became afraid of groups
of people. I stopped speaking at school altogether. It was the
beginning of a long battle with depression.
The bright spot in my childhood was to go spend summers and weekends
with my Nana and Grandpa. My Nana, who was my father’s mother, was
Italian and very warm, loving, and nurturing. My grandparents shared my
love of books and learning. With them I felt loved.
My Nana was an excellent cook. She was also a food addict and pusher.
She would never take no for an answer. I learned to please her by
eating everything she would push on me. I was able to eat enormous
amounts of food and not gain weight.
It was with her that I began to equate food with love. All my happiest
memories involve her and food. I remember summer mornings where she
would take me outside and pluck figs off the tree and pop them, plump
and juicy sweet, into my eager, waiting mouth.
I was addicted to sugar as far back as I can remember. At around 5
years old, when I was left alone in my parent’s house, I would climb up
into the cupboards and open the boxes of brown and white powdered sugar
and eat them with a spoon. I couldn’t get enough! The secrecy of my
addiction was already in place.
I would also eat a big bag of candy every day. One day I got a hold of
a box of chocolate exlax at my nana’s house. I ate the whole
box thinking it was chocolate. I was on the toilet for days!
My parents were fat phobic. My mom was always watching her weight. My
older sister was overweight as a
child and as an adult. My parents were always after her to lose weight.
I wasn’t about to let that happen to me.
Life got worse when I went to junior high school. My appearance changed
drastically overnight. I ditched the glasses for some contact lenses,
and a
face of make-up, and transformed into a lovely swan.
I became obsessed with my appearance, body and boys. People told me
every day that I was beautiful, yet it never seemed to fill me with any
confidence or self esteem. In fact, I believed I was fooling people. I
felt it was the make-up that made me pretty. If they only could see the
real me they would know it wasn’t true!
I would look at the pretty popular girls, who seemed so outgoing and
think, I could never be like them. I always felt like an outsider
looking in. In reality - I was just as pretty as they were - but inside
I felt like an alien!
I was overwhelmed by all the attention I was getting. I had mixed
feelings about it. On one hand I liked the attention but it soon felt
oppressive. I was an extremely private person, and now I was being
scrutinized by all the girls and leered at by boys and men. I kept
people at a distance. I was terrified of people getting to know the
real me. I was certain if they got to know me they wouldn’t like me.
I did have one girlfriend. Our ritual was to go to the doughnut shop
after school and eat a couple of éclairs and wash them down with
huge cokes. Then I would go home and eat a full dinner! Eating before
meals never stopped me from eating more.
I had a homeroom teacher in the 7th grade that would flirt with me. He
was around 28 years old and cute. I really enjoyed his attention. He
would follow me home in his car, asking me if I wanted a ride. I always
said no.
One day I was standing right next to him and the movie projector, in
the middle of the classroom, when the kids turned out the lights to
watch a film. As soon as the lights went out, he put his hands up my
dress. I was too stunned to say or do anything. I never told anyone.
Shortly
thereafter, I heard he was arrested for having sex with girls in my
school.
I became very depressed and kept to myself. I stopped wearing make-up
and started trying to look ugly. I took up with some older kids in the
neighborhood.
At home there was no parental supervision. No rules or guidelines to
follow. They didn’t seem to care. I could be gone for several days and
no one would say anything. My parents were totally absorbed in their
own world. I felt so alone. I felt if I died no one would even miss me.
I
felt like an afterthought in their lives.
I became really depressed. It quickly began to spiral out of control. I
started to hear a voice (my own) in my head telling me I should die. It
would tell me it hated me. This voice just never seemed to let up. I
never told anyone what was happening. I didn’t think anyone would do
anything to help me anyway. I cried every day. I began to think about
suicide all the time. Life became a constant struggle.
At 16, the depression seemed to lift a little. I decided I wanted to be
a model. I went to a local modeling agency and was told to lose 10 1bs.
off my already slender frame. I became obsessed with weight loss and
dieting. I would spend my lunch hours in the library reading fashion
magazines. I would study all the diets in the magazines.
One day I read about fasting. I decided to fast on nothing but water
for 5 days! On about day 3, I started to feel deliriously high and
agitated. I managed to do it for the full 5 days. On the sixth day, I
started bingeing like there was no tomorrow! This was the beginning of
my binge eating disorder.
For the next 15 years I was either on a binge or a diet. I began to
spend hours obsessing on the way my body looked. My butt was too big,
my breasts too small, and my legs too skinny. I needed constant
reassurance from others that I was pretty. I would look for the
reflection of who I was in their eyes. If I couldn't find it, I felt I
ceased to exist.
When I was on a binge I would drive all around town making my rounds. I
would stop in at See’s and get a big bag of chocolates. After that, I
would make stops at different fast food
joints, going to the drive thru's and bingeing in the car. Finally, I’d
stop in at the grocery store and get a Sara lee cheesecake to finish
the binge off good!
After I'd eaten most of it, I’d throw the remains outside into the
garbage and tell myself I wouldn’t eat anymore. I would dump garbage
over it so I wouldn't want it. I would wind up going out and eating it
right out of the garbage can! These episodes would fill me with great
shame and self-loathing but I couldn’t stop. Food helped comfort me and
silenced the demons that were raging inside me.
When the weight began to show (about 10-20 lbs.
overweight) I would begin to starve myself, and exercise like a mad
woman. Sometimes I would become seriously underweight and my periods
would stop. At one point I didn’t have a period for a year and a half
because I was so thin.
Once I got started gaining weight, the binge cycle would start up
again. Sometimes I would use laxatives or vomit, but my main weight
loss strategy was starvation diets and
over exercising. I became a human yo-yo, gaining and losing the same
10-20 lbs. over and over again for the next 14 years.
By the time I was 17, I was really tired all the time. I knew
something was wrong with me. I had terrible PMS and I would bloat up
like a balloon. My muscles started to ache and spasm all the time.
Looking back, I can see this was the beginning of me developing chronic
fatigue syndrome and
fibromyalgia.
I went to college at 17 and absolutely loved it. I was an honor student
and I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect in every way that I
wound up
bingeing every day. Even though I loved school, I was still an
emotional wreck. I would eat all day on the weekends to help relieve
the stress and
anxiety I felt.
At the end of the year, I decided I couldn't handle the pressure of
school, so I quit and got a job as a facialist and make-up
artist. I was able to buy my own condominium at 18 years old. This
seemed to make me happy for all of 5 minutes. I was terrified of being
alone.
At night, I would go out to Baskin Robbins at night to binge on ice
cream. When I got bored of this I began to go out to discos, and drink
and dance all night. I had grown up with so much chaos that when life
was good, I didn’t know how to handle it. I became bored. I couldn’t
stand the day in, day out routine of work. I longed for a life of
adventure and romance!
At 21 years old, I sold my condominium and moved from Sacramento to
Hollywood. I got a job as a make-up artist on Rodeo Drive, in Beverly
Hills. I quickly became lost in the
Hollywood party scene. It was 1978, the height of the disco era.
I went out on a dinner date just about every night. I ate my way
through the city's best restaurants. I was in heaven. I was now hooked
on the gourmet stuff. I was 20 pounds overweight and I didn't care! I
would eat, dance, and drink the nights away; I was a babe on a bender -
completely out of
control!
My body couldn't handle such a frenetic pace and it started to break
down. I got sick with a strep throat that wouldn’t go away. My hair
started to fall out. I became extremely fatigued and my joints were
very painful. My glands were swollen. I was running a low-grade fever.
I was also seriously depressed. It wouldn’t get diagnosed as chronic
fatigue syndrome for another 10 years. It took several years for me to
get better though I never fully recovered.
I moved to Marin County with my boyfriend. The move was good for me. It
was a slower paced life with lots of beautiful nature for me to enjoy.
I decided to go to culinary school in San Francisco since I now had a
gourmet food
habit to support!
After I graduated from school, I got a job on a beautiful estate in
Ross as a personal chef, cooking for a wealthy investment banker and
his family. This was a dream job. I got to live in a restored carriage
house on the grounds, cook in a state of the art kitchen, eat the whole
day long and get paid! Best of all, I was alone with my drug of choice:
food!
My energy never fully returned. I struggled all the time to get through
the day. I continued on like this for many years. I was always
depressed and I began therapy for my issues but it never seemed to help
me any; my life never improved. I became a full time seeker. I would go
from doctor to doctor, and try many different therapists
and antidepressants with no real success. I was always looking for
health, happiness and answers in things outside of myself.
At 28 years old, I began to devour books about metaphysics, psychology,
spirituality and Buddhism. I felt that these things held
answers for me. I also spent a lot of time walking out in nature. This
seemed to ground me.
I would daydream of some day being an artist, therapist and writer.
Then I would be filled with sadness because I didn’t possess the
health, energy, or confidence to achieve those things. I always
relegated it to “oh well, someday.”
I began to attend overeaters anonymous. I found these meetings very eye
opening as to the extent of my food addiction. In OA I
discovered that food was my core addiction and that underlying it was
anxiety and depression.
I was eating to help numb my fear and anxiety. I didn’t stay in
overeaters anonymous for very long though. I really wasn't comfortable
around groups of people at that time in my life. I do give it credit
for helping me along my path.
I started to meditate and began to pray and ask God for help. I knew I
needed it. I began to use my daily nature walk as a mindfulness
meditation. I stopped dieting and began to eat regular meals, and that
helped slow down the bingeing. I was addicted to sugar and caffeine. I
slowly started to wean myself off these things.
I eliminated the idea of good and bad foods. I learned to eat high
calorie foods in moderation. I allowed myself treats. I planned for
them. I only ate desserts if I could share it with another person or
two at a
restaurant. I never kept sweets in my house.
I began to practice mindfulness
around food. I learned to key into my feelings to discern if I was
hungry
for food or if what I really wanted was emotional nourishment. I began
to trust
my body and I only ate until I felt my body signal's that it was full.
With this
practice, I started to truly savor food and found that I ate much less.
My weight came off and began to
stabilize; my bingeing stopped completely.
I
decided I would have to stop cooking for a living.
It was too easy to binge being around that much food. It was just too
tempting. The universe supported that decision. I hurt my back while
cooking, and was forced to look for other employment.
I started to open myself up to life. I was developing some happiness
and serenity.
My obsessive interest in food and weight began to fall away. My chaotic
life started to calm down. I began to feel connected with God. In fact,
I started to feel connected to everything! I began to have a spiritual
awakening; I could feel my spirit coming back to life.
Then suddenly, my beloved Nana died from an aneurysm. I was
devastated. A year later, just when my grief had started to
subside, my grandfather, who was despondent over the death of my Nana,
committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. That pushed me right
over the edge and I spiraled downward into a deep depression.
One year later my health completely gave out. I was diagnosed with
chronic fatigue syndrome. Later fibromyalgia was added to the growing
list. I felt like “The Queen of Disorder.” I had no energy left to
function. My body hurt all over. I was living in constant pain. Food
was no longer an issue. Survival became my issue. My life had become a
living
death. It was a struggle to continue on. Many times I just wanted to
die. I felt I had no reason to keep going.
I had to move back home with my parents. I was 30 years old. I was
living my worst nightmare! I felt like a complete failure. My
self-esteem was non-existent. I had won a reprieve from food, only to
lose my most precious possession: my health. No
longer able to work - I had lost everything. It would take me years to
regain my health, confidence and self-esteem.
Looking back now, at 50 years old, I see these so called "lost years"
as a great gift. The illness absolutely stopped me in my tracks. Since
there was no cure or treatments for these conditions I had nowhere to
go but inside to look for answers. It forced me to develop a healthier
relationship with myself, and put me on my life path.
Illness has been a great teacher. I was forced to give up various
behaviors that were killing me. These changes did not happen over
night. I had to change the relationship I had with my body. I had
always thought of my body as something to whip into submission and ride
roughshod over.
I think that illness is ultimately a spiritual dilemma. It makes us
ask the big questions. Why me? Why now? What is my purpose in this
life? Healing and recovery became my passion and calling.
I have always possessed a love of learning and research, so when I was
diagnosed I decided to become an expert on my illness. I took courses
in nutrition, stress reduction, hypnotherapy, attitudinal healing,
fitness, and meditation. I also spent years studying psychology,
meditation, spirituality, and the mind/body
connection.
I became certified in everything that I learned. I was trained
by a major health maintenance organization (HMO) in a Stanford based
mind-body health program and taught workshops in coping with chronic
illness.
I learned to let go and go with the flow - to just be - and live
mindfully. I learned the power of optimism and how to be resilient in
the face of adversity. I became a creative problem solver. The illness
stripped away the inessentials in my world and helped me find what my
true values were and to live them. Ultimately, it taught me I had worth
just because I was alive and not because of what I did, or what I
looked like.
A big turning point in my recovery was forgiving myself and learning
to have compassion and love for myself. I had spent a lifetime hating
myself. What was my terrible crime? Simply being human. I had expected
such perfection from myself!
I learned to be gentle with my fragile humanness. This led me to be
able to be forgiving and accepting of other people’s frailties as well.
This is the truly the path to peace.
All my life I had craved attention and love from others, and what I
really needed was to pay attention to and love myself. I had spent my
life MIA. Missing in action! I had failed to show up for my own life.
Having sunk so low, I came to a place where I had to make a choice
whether I was going to live or die. Making a decision to live at that
point was an act of courage! It would have been easier to just roll
over and die.
I had spent a lifetime denying who I was. I realized all I ever
really wanted was to be my true self, the self that God had always
intended for me. I was what I was seeking all along! As it is said in
the bible, “The kingdom of heaven is within you.”
Through regular time in nature, solitude, prayer, and meditation, I was
able to develop a relationship with my higher Self. In time, this
connection became so strong that I knew I could trust and love the
wisdom that lived inside of me. It guided me to create a way of being
in the world that nourished my soul, and truly sustained my Being. I
had become
authentic.
Meditation helped me to be with myself - to become still. Underneath
the reverberant chatter of my mind, I discovered the vast, calm, clear
center of my being. I began to realize that I could always live from
this center. This was the source of my Being, and no matter what was
happening in my outer world, I could always return to the calm, inner
sanctuary of my soul. Peace, love, and happiness were states that lived
within me, not outside of me.
Meditation gave birth to a part of me that could witness the antics of
my mind. The stronger this witness became, the more I could detach and
not react to the dramatics of my mind. I began to see my mind was like
a nonstop projection machine that just churned out thoughts - good,
bad, and indifferent.
I was not my mind, thoughts, or ego. I was much bigger than this! I saw
that the fear and anxiety that had imprisoned me all my life was
generated from my mind. It was not real! I had a choice whether to
believe these thoughts. The more power I invested in these thoughts,
the more fear my mind generated.
I could choose to focus on positive thoughts instead.
One day, I awakened. I simply woke up and realized the truth of
reality.
Reality is completely neutral. It just is. It is the thoughts and the
story I tell myself about reality that is the cause of all my
suffering. I did not have to be defined by my past. I simply stepped
out of the old story of my life and began to create a new story. That
was the day I stopped being a victim and stepped into a brand new life!
I found my creativity blossomed when I gave myself permission to let my
inner artist come out and play! I began to fill my life with all the
things that filled me with wonder and joy. I took up photography, jewelry making, and writing. These things fed my spirit and
infused my life with energy. Creativity became a part of my daily
spiritual practice. It is a direct portal into joy and light.
I had always minimized the importance of being creative - telling
myself it didn’t really matter - that I could never make a living doing
the things I loved. This was so untrue! These were the gifts that God
gave me. To not use one’s own innate gifts is an insult to God!
Living an authentic life is honoring the divine gifts within me. In
this way my life has become a living prayer, a tribute to power of
Spirit. Healing
my own life has become my greatest work of
art.
I never imagined that my life could ever be this simple and peaceful.
Most of my life was spent getting over
me. Life can be hard, but what I know today is - I made it much harder
than it had to be. The irony is when I surrendered my
small (ego) self to the flow of life, I transcended myself and became
so much more. As a human being I am limited, but as a spiritual being
I am infinitely magnificent!
It’s not what happens to you in life - it’s how you react to it. It is
the story you tell yourself about what happens to you that determines
how you will react. I have learned to see that in every obstacle and
struggle there is a gift. It is our responsibility to find out what
that gift or lesson is.
I have been able to synthesize all my years of experience into my work
with weight. I am the creator of The Weight Loss Master’s Club, a
weight and life mastery program. Everything I have learned over the
course of my life has gone into this work!
Permanent weight loss is really about lifestyle and spiritual change:
finding new ways of being in the world that support one’s spiritual,
mental, emotional, and physical health.
It is the work of becoming a new self. I think of myself as a midwife.
I assist in the birth of a new self. I help people
reconnect to their inner light, so they can truly shine! Being able to
share my knowledge and make a positive impact in people’s lives is what
makes my life’s journey rewarding.
I am living my dream. I am a writer, artist, mentor and coach.
I’m in the business of shining stars. Today my own star is shining
brightly!
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Interested in weight loss coaching? Contact Catherine for a free consultation!


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