Your jewels are hidden in the dark. Shine the light on your own darkness to uncover the brilliance of your soul.

                                     The Light And Dark Sides Of Beauty

From the time we are children we are sold on the beauty myth. We watch and read stories about Cinderella and Snow White and ask, "Who’s the fairest of them all?" Every little girl's dream is to grow up and be beautiful. As we get older we are fed a steady diet of images of celebrities and models. The message is that if we are beautiful and perfect looking we will get our prince, and a happy ending - life will be perfect.

The secret that Madison Avenue never wants you to know is that beauty has a dark side. It can be a burden, a trap and a curse, providing just as many or more negative opportunities as well as positive ones.

My own life is certainly a testament to the dark side of beauty. When I was younger I was a real knockout. I could walk into any room and heads would turn in appreciation. I was treated like a star wherever I went.

Sure, beauty opened doors for me and offered many perks that I thoroughly enjoyed, yet the advantages of being beautiful offered only fleeting gratification, compared to the long term, negative consequences being beautiful brought me.

I was not prepared for the host of problems that being beautiful would bring. It took me 47 years to fully own, recover from, and enjoy my beauty. I too believed the myth that beauty would bring me love and happiness. It brought misery in spades. By the time I was 16 years old, I had been molested by a teacher and had developed an eating disorder. Sure, I might have developed these problems anyway, but being beautiful provided me with many more opportunities to get into trouble!

Growing up I was a daydreamer: a skinny, brainy, quiet girl who wore cats eye glasses, loved books, making art, and dancing. I was always happiest off by myself. I had problems fitting in with other kids. In the second grade I was found to be gifted.

Imagine my surprise when in the 7^th grade I transformed into a lovely swan! I was not prepared for the onslaught of male attention and female envy that was thrown my way. It was overwhelming!

Before puberty I had always felt invisible. My new found beauty made me so visible, it rendered the real me invisible! People never looked past my beauty to see what was beneath it. 

I had been given so much: I was artistic, highly intelligent, sensitive, and funny. None of these things seemed to matter anymore. My beauty eclipsed them all!

Because I suffered from low self-esteem, being beautiful only added to my problems.

The truth about life is that if you feel unacceptable on the inside, you will project this outward onto your appearance and your life. Beauty is a state of mind. If your mental state is not one of beauty you cannot own and appreciate your beauty. It becomes a negative force, instead of a force for good.

                                                       Author at 21 Years Old 

Sure, beauty has its advantages. At first I loved all the attention, but it quickly became oppressive. I was an extremely private person. I didn’t like feeling like I was always on display, being routinely scrutinized by women, and leered at by boys and men. 

My beauty became a straight jacket that imprisoned the real me. It was a mask that seemed to separate me from the world. Before I became beautiful, all I had ever wanted was to feel a part of the world, and to feel I belonged. My beauty caused me to feel even more isolated and lonely. 

What are the advantages of being beautiful? 

• People are more receptive to you. They are interested in you.

• They notice you more.

• Pretty people have more opportunities in certain fields. Certain doors are open to you in sales, promotions, marketing, and beauty or entertainment industries. 

• People often make more allowances for pretty people. They will tolerate behavior they wouldn’t tolerate from an unattractive person.

Beauty can be a great asset if you have solid self esteem, but hardly anyone does. Most of us want to be beautiful because we think it will make us happy.

Studies show the happiest women tend to be average looking. It is probably because these women spend more time developing their inner resources.  Next time you find yourself envying some woman for her beauty, try to remember she is human and struggles just like everyone else. 

Beauty is a mixed bag. There are as many disadvantages to being beautiful as there are advantages. Despite what the media tells us, it is not easy being beautiful. 

What are some of the disadvantages of beauty?  

• Everyone wants something from you. You never know if anyone likes you for you. Beautiful women tend to get used by both sexes. Men tend to want you for one thing. One ex-girlfriend told me she hung around me to get my leftovers.

• Other women often see you as competition. You are subjected to other women’s envy and hostility. This hostility is often expressed covertly through gossip, putdowns, and backstabbing.

• It’s lonely. It can be difficult having friendships with other women. 

• You’re a trash bin of other people’s projections and assumptions about beauty. People assume your life is perfect and that you have no problems. People assume you’re shallow or in perfect health, dumb, conceited, rich, or a snob! The list is endless.  

• No one has any empathy for you when you’re suffering. When I was seriously ill,  I often heard, “Well, you should be thankful. You still look great!" This brought me absolutely no comfort. 

• People objectify you. They often don't see you as human. The more people objectified me, the more I objectified myself.

• Pretty women worry about losing their looks more than other women because their self worth is so often wrapped up in their looks.  

• Beautiful women often don’t develop themselves as people. Why should they? They get strokes for just showing up!

Here’s another truth: Many women remain overweight to stay safely away from all the unwanted attention and problems that being attractive brings. I got tired of being constantly approached by people. Many times I would purposely make myself unattractive and walk around with no make-up on and big glasses so that I could feel invisible to others. Like Greta Garbo, I just wanted to be left alone!

I longed to have the close, sisterly type relationships that I saw other women having. Envy and low self-esteem always seemed to get in the way. Several girlfriends told me they felt bad being around me because I received so many compliments, and far too much attention.

One day in my twenties, I attended an art fair in San Francisco with a girlfriend. She was my age and quite pretty herself. I must have been looking especially pretty that day. Everywhere we went I was told how pretty or beautiful I looked. It became down right embarrassing! With each passing compliment, I grew more uncomfortable as I sensed my friend's growing discomfort.

The topper came when I got to meet artist Patrick Nagle, who was famous for his many portraits of “The Nagle Woman ” -- sexy portraits of a sleek, brunette that were so popular in the 80’s. He told me I was a dead ringer for “The Nagle Woman.” 

After the show, my girlfriend said, “If this is what a typical day is like for you, I never want to be out in public with you again!”  My beauty had just fizzled our friendship. I felt so sad. I started to feel that if I wanted to have any friends at all I would have to start making myself look less attractive. One should never have to be less than they are! 

Growing up I was acutely aware of my own mother’s and sister’s envy of me.  I’m sure my siblings felt discounted when relatives would fawn all over me and call me their "little Jackie O!" My grandparents also favored me. That didn’t endear me to my siblings either. 

Sure, being beautiful brought me more dates than most people. Quantity is not better than quality. The men who I have found to be really great company can be counted on one hand. Men have always been too interested in my looks, which is such a small part of who I am! 

Beauty seems to bring out the worst in men. One study I read confirmed what I had always experienced. Men act differently around beautiful women. When men are around a beautiful woman they concentrate on trying to impress her. This turns into macho bragging, which is such a turnoff!  

Most men are not comfortable with a beautiful, smart, sensitive, and complex woman! Many men have told me I was too deep, too smart, or too complex for them. Why couldn’t I be simpler? They wanted to relate to my image, not all that was underneath it. 

Sure men all say they want a pretty and smart woman...just not too smart. One man told me I was a know it all, which is code for - I knew more than he did! Several guys I dated told me I was too pretty for them. These were the honest ones. They worried about other men constantly approaching me. They were afraid I would leave them. 

When I did find men I liked who were shy, brainy, and a bit nerdy, they voiced concerns that maybe I should be with someone more manly, or in their words "studly."  They couldn’t believe a woman like myself would be interested in them! It seemed I couldn’t win! 

I always found that men expected me to chop off whole parts of myself to become more pleasing to them. The more perfect looking you are, the more men expect you to actually be perfect! When I was younger I tried really hard to be perfect woman: a great cook, a great lover, and to not have any needs. This absolutely exhausted me. 

I also felt men wanted to devour me. It felt as as if they stole my life force. This wasn’t their fault. I didn’t know how to set appropriate boundaries with them. 

Being beautiful certainly didn't bring me the love I was looking for. I have been loved by men, but the truth is I didn't love myself and therefore I couldn't let their love in. You have to be the right person before you can find the right person.  The man I am with today loves me for me, not my looks, and is primarily attracted to my intelligence, spirit, wit and humor. For him, my looks are just an added bonus.

Today I own and appreciate my beauty. They say at 50 you have the face you deserve…well, I'm 50 and I deserve to look this good! I’ve had a difficult life, and I’ve survived it with grace. My looks have somehow endured the struggle. I see it as a reward for all the hard work I've done on myself. 

I recently ran into a friend I knew in my twenties, she was shocked that my looks have hardly changed since the days we were friends. She said, "It's as if you've made a pact with the devil!"  I haven't had any work done and I don't plan to. I chalk up my youthful looks to three things: grace, genetics, and good sunscreen.

At 50, I do see my looks changing. I actually like that I'm not as pretty. Aging doesn’t bother me a bit. I feel softer, more ordinary - like everyone else! I like that people aren't always staring at me or trying to pick me up! 

I wear my glasses in public a lot these days (something I would never do in the past).  I don't feel the need to impress anyone. It's a great freedom to me to be able to walk around without any make-up and a baseball cap, and still feel good about myself.

Women are much friendlier to me now. This shift is more about an internal change in me, rather than how I look. I'm comfortable in my own skin and it shows. People enjoy being around me! 

I’ve made peace with my looks and best of all, I've made peace with myself. I'm whole. I've become authentic. I accept myself, warts and all! My identity is no longer bound up in being beautiful. I feel free to be my true self! This is what I call real beauty. 

When you awaken to your real beauty, you become Buddhaful. The word Buddha means awakened or enlightened one. When we awaken to our real self, we awaken to the fact that our true nature is beautiful. Beauty is truth. Beauty is Buddha. Real beauty is Buddhaful. It is a state of being. 

All women are beautiful. Peace, joy, and happiness are the most powerful cosmetics in the world. They are free and they exist in all of us. 

Next time you see a beautiful woman don't envy her beauty. Bless her beauty and then bless your own. Be Buddhaful. You will only be beautiful once in this lifetime. That time is now!

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